Saturday, December 5, 2009

Tradition- now for everyone!

Protector of Baby Jesus, Bill O'Reilly, has started his annual jihad against humanists, atheists, and goblins. As a humanist atheist goblin, I object to this perennial campaign against my people and what we hold dear, which is apparently shitting all over Christmas. This time he's gone too far:

Bill said that atheists are jealous because Christians and Jews are “having a great time and [atheists are] sitting around watching Rosie O’Donnell tapes."

You shut your whore mouth Bill! I would not be caught dead listening to Rosie O'Donnell.
That's it. I propose a new Christmas holiday. First there was Christmas, then there was Corporate Christmas, then there was Bill O'Reilly's defense of Corporate Christmas. Now, I propose a holiday that will really scare old crotchety fucks like O'Reilly. I call it Ramadan-kwanza-jihadmas. It celebrates the birth of my nephew, Khalid Sheik Obama bin-Mohammed, who is assiduously being groomed for the Presidency of the United States of America despite the fact that he was born in Mosul of an ex-Baathist whore and a deserted U.S. soldier. He will be taught the backward culture of his imperialist overlords by blending in with them in the States-- joining an elite frat, snorting coke, punching hippies, and dodging the draft (when WWIII comes). He'll really learn to act like a complete dick. No one will ever see him coming! Then, in 40 or 50 years, he will be ready for his meteoric rise to power. But this time, we're not going to fuck it up like Obama's groomers. We're gonna be Republicans. Just like only Nixon could go to China, only Republicans will be able to hand over U.S. sovereignty to the WTO and Middle East Royalty.

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