Dear Egypt,

As I am sure you have suspected, we Americans don't want you to have a democracy. This is because Hosni Mubarek is a team player. Hosni Mubarek is a "good ol' boy, never meanin' no harm, beats all you've ever saw, been in trouble with the law since the day [he] was born." That's a lyric from the Dukes of Hazzard theme. Hazzard is a much-beloved American low-brow sitcom from the 1970s. I think it fairly encapsulates my government's sentiments on the matter.

If you do not understand, do not worry. It will be alright. In a few days, it'll be as though none of this rebel-rousing ever happened, and you can go back to your day jobs building pyramids and shit.

In closing, I doubt you guys would like democracy anyhow. It's a big hassle. I mean, I've been voting, arguing, petitioning, donating, and writing to my representatives and fellow citizens for years, and I never get what I want. It's just depressing.

Sincerely,
some American douchebag